It’s easy to forget that intellectual topics are not always the main challenge for people who are doubting their LDS faith. Hearing some of their stories can remind us of the complexity of their struggles.
[Transcript of a talk given by Sandra Tanner in 1992]
[Original audio here (YouTube)]
Many people have serious struggles as they leave Mormonism and come to Christ. I have spent the last month going through fifteen years worth of letters from people who have written to me. It has been a very moving experience. I have been reminded of a statement by Bob Pierce, founder of World Vision:
“Lord, break my heart with the things that break the heart of God.”
I hope that the letters that I share will increase our heartbreak for the hurting Mormon people out there.
In this talk, I would like to discuss two sets of struggles many Mormons face.
- Leaving the LDS faith
- Coming to Christ.
The processes of leaving Mormonism and coming to Christ often overlap, but for the sake of clarity I will deal with them separately. Since most of my illustrations come from the letters that I mentioned above, you will notice that, even though I am focusing attention on one issue or step in the process, often other aspects of the process are illustrated and involved as well. These letters are from real people, whose lives do not come in neatly divided steps. To preserve integrity of their communication, it has been important to quote these larger contexts. Nevertheless, it is possible to identify specific steps or issues in these letters, and I find that these are typical of the kinds of struggles faced by people that I talk to daily.
Steps in Leaving Mormonism
The Challenge to Examine Both Sides
The process of leaving Mormonism usually begins in subtle ways. Minor doubts creep into one’s thoughts, but they are usually pushed to the back of the mind. They only become troublesome when Mormon beliefs are challenged. When a decision is made to examine the arguments against Mormonism, usually with the intent to prove the critics wrong, the little doubts can grow into major doubts.
One woman shared her experience1 of taking the critics seriously:
Two and one-half years ago my husband and I were fully active Mormons. We had been members for fifteen years since our teens, met whilst in the church and married in the London Temple . . .
We totally believed in and trusted the church’s doctrine and teachings. It really was part of our whole life and we were totally involved. We had held many responsible leadership positions in the ward and Stake and tried to be diligent in living the faith.After an initial meeting with a Christian fellow who challenged us about the Book of Abraham (of which we realized we knew relatively nothing) we were led into a serious study of our beliefs. To try and find answers for this fellow, to prove to him that we were right and he was wrong, we had to study material that we had never bothered to read before, and of course when we came across Joseph Smith Begins His Work, Parts One & Two, we began to get a bit concerned.
[These two books contain the first printing of the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants. Obviously, they were comparing and seeing the changes that had been made in Joseph Smith’s revelations.]
On top of that, I wrote off to the British Museum to ask them their view on the Egyptian Alphabet and Grammar, and their reply really got us worried!
To cut a long story short, after an extremely long and difficult struggle to come to terms with our findings and the awful feelings of betrayal, confusion and fear, we came to a point a month ago where we finally made the decision to have our names removed from the church records. We are now totally dependent on Jesus for our salvation and realize that He alone is the Truth and the Way.
A man wrote me a few years ago:2
I have been a member of the LDS Church since I was eight years of age. (I am now thirty-nine.) I was born in Provo, Utah, into a large family of generations of Mormons. I have been an Elders’ Quorum President and have held many other offices in the church. I was a full tithe payer and gave of my time . . .
I read your book The Changing World of Mormonism, on a challenge to disprove your claims. I was vacationing in Key West, Florida, at the time and figured I would start reading.
After about only two hours, my life was shattered. I broke into uncontrollable tears. I knew it was the truth. But oh so hard to accept! As I rejected my lifelong faith in the Church, I rejected my faith in Jesus. It seemed if I had been deceived this long about it, then all of it must be untrue. I certainly was wrong. I never knew the real Jesus or God. I’m so happy I found him.
Growing Awareness of the Problem
After the initial exposure to problems with the LDS Church, there is a growing awareness of the depth of the problem. A person may start out thinking: “All I have to do is resolve the ‘Adam God’ doctrine, the First Vision problem, etc.” But after a time the realization comes: “My word, this goes to the roots—this is the whole system.”
The following letter came from a family in Arizona, written in June 1990.3
Dear Tanners, I have just finished reading your latest edition of the Salt Lake City Messenger on the changes in the temple ceremony . . .
Your article brought back old memories for me about my first temple experience in June of 1972 as a convert to Mormonism from Christianity. I, too, felt that what I was doing was wrong. Actually, a feeling of dread came over me as I began to take the blood oaths [these have now been removed from the ceremony], and I knew I was doing something that was absolutely against everything Christianity had taught me. The feeling increased to such a point that I thought I would not get out of that place alive, and I just kept praying in my mind, “Dear God, please just get me out of here alive,” over and over.I expressed my feeling to my Bishop, who explained to me that my feelings were caused by Satan who wanted to keep me from accepting the true doctrines of the temple ritual . . .
He also said that because I was a relatively new convert (barely eighteen months as a member), I was more susceptible to the power of Satan, and that I ought to go to the temple often to rid myself of these feelings.Well, I went to the temple less than ten times over the course of the next few years. But each time I went, I tried to convince myself that it was just nerves or unrighteous doubt that gave me these terrible feelings. I would look around me at all those good, wonderful elderly people and think, “Surely these people, as good as they are, wouldn’t be involved in anything wrong.” But the feeling never left me. And I finally gave up going to the temple because it made me feel worse each time instead of better as my Bishop had promised.
The part about the Christian preacher being a hireling of Satan disturbed me almost as much as the blood oaths. Having grown up in the Christian faith, I had known many good, sincere ministers who had become my mentors in the developing of my faith. I found that part of the ceremony most offensive and an insult to all the good men and women who, down through the centuries, gave their lives in dedication and service to the Lord. Thankfully, they have eliminated that part, but it still does not undo the idea that is planted in the minds of millions of Mormons who still think of Christian ministers as Satan’s handymen.
Here is a portion of a letter I received from a woman in Nevada:4
I kept telling myself that I wasn’t going to worry about it because the Lord would take care of my problem. I kept telling myself that I had to learn to “wait patiently on the Lord.” Well, then my neighbor borrowed your book, Mormonism—Shadow or Reality, from a friend of hers in her church and I saw it lying on her bedroom bureau. She was embarrassed and said she wasn’t trying to offend me but just wanted to find out more about my religion.
I told her she wasn’t going to find out much reading anti-Mormon books. But I did agree that I would be happy to discuss any of our religious doctrines with her husband. I knew I could ably defend my religion as I was well versed in it. I wasn’t worried at all! Then I decided to debate on a particular subject and started doing research. Then I decided I had better know what the opposition was so I borrowed the book from her.
Well, I spent almost three days and nights reading. The adjectives used in the back of your book such as “devastating” and “utterly crushed” were so true!! My husband and I spent days discussing what the book had brought to light, at first not believing, then not wanting to believe. Could it be possible that we had been deceived? How could it? . . .
A letter from Australia put it this way:5
We converted to Mormonism sixteen years ago when two delightful young missionaries knocked on our door . . . Bill found that the Mormon doctrine answered many of his questions about where we came from, and why we are [here], etc. . . . We subsequently married in the Temple in New Zealand; an experience we found to be very confusing and frightening and we both wanted to leave, but did not mention this to each other and of course we were told by the temple workers that we had to have faith and that the more often we went, the more we would learn . . . We tried hard to be faithful and obedient, despite unanswered questions, and we would drive fifty kilometers to church.
The doubts and questions that arose in our hearts and minds increased over the years. Bill and I began having arguments about the Church. I hated being so controlled and made to feel guilty all the time. Bill had the same feelings as I but never confessed them to me and this caused a division in our relationship. I finally became inactive for eighteen months in 1984 and Bill went along with me to try to repair our relationship. During that time I felt completely cut off from God . . . truly felt as though I was in outer darkness and this fear prompted my return to Mormonism.
For a time all went well, but once again all the doubts, fears and resentment returned. Our marriage completely broke down and I totally rejected God with bitterness and resentment which caused me great anguish. Why couldn’t I believe and have faith and be obedient like so many of my friends? If only I had known then that many of them had the same doubts we had and were constantly struggling to maintain their “testimonies.”
Early last year I was influenced by a work mate and began investigating the New Age religion. However, after reading a book written by a Christian, I realized that once again I was on the wrong track . . . I contacted a man by the name of John Bracht, an ex-Mormon who had studied at [BYU] and whose studies supported his doubts, and who is now a Presbyterian minister. He sent me the book Maze of Mormonism and several pamphlets and some of your books. I was convinced! I can’t tell you what a load was lifted from my shoulders as I read that book and the Holy Spirit witnessed to me the truth of what I was reading.
The Growing Anger
For many who see the deception of Mormonism, there is a growing anger towards the leaders of the LDS Church.
Two years ago a lady sent me a copy of a letter6 that she had sent to the LDS General Authorities expressing her anger:
Dear General Authorities:
This letter is from a once deeply devoted wife, mother and Mormon. At seventeen I fell in love with a Mormon boy, we married and I joined the Mormon Church because I believed in Joseph Smith. In time we had seven boys and three daughters. My husband was a bishop twice, and on six High Councils. I was Relief Society President twice and Choir Director for twenty-one years. I was totally committed to the church and to my family.I recently discovered, however, that Joseph Smith was a false prophet, teaching a false doctrine. The hurt, the anguish, the absolute betrayal I feel is incomprehensible. The nauseating mental and physical illness I went through, calling it “persecution”? Why do you cover up and cover up and cover up? I don’t understand why you do this.
Coming out of Mormonism is very much like going through a very painful divorce in which a woman, who had been completely enamored with her husband, finds out that he cheated on her and never really loved her. A time of anger comes in which she, who three or six months before absolutely adored her husband, now says he never did a good thing in his life. Many become bitter when they see that the leaders they trusted have betrayed that trust.
For the person going through the divorce, that anger may be normal. But it must eventually come to an end so the person can move on with life. The same is true of the person coming out of Mormonism. He or she must be willing to forgive—even if no one asked for that forgiveness. And for the former Mormon who becomes a follower of Jesus Christ, this anger, bitterness, hatred, and evil speaking must give way to compassion and love for those who are still locked in the error.
If I have described you, I would encourage you to read Ephesians 4:29-32. You should move on in the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit to an attitude of forgiveness, love, peace, kindness, gentleness—so that you may speak to those who are still in Mormonism with the love of Christ.
Fear of Rejection
Rejection by one’s family becomes a very real possibility for those who reject Mormonism. This was recently brought home to me in a conversation I had with a man right before this conference. I was extremely busy, when he called and said that he and his friend wanted to come and see me. I agreed to give them a half hour. Here were two men struggling with the feeling that something is drastically wrong with Mormonism and feeling a spiritual void in their own lives.
We talked about what is wrong with Mormonism. We talked about the Gospel, God, salvation, and the cost of following Christ. Sadly, when we got to the end of the three hours, one of them said: “But if I were to follow God as you are saying I would probably lose my wife and my children.” I couldn’t tell him that wouldn’t be so, because it could be.
The end of one of the letters quoted earlier7 shows how strong the reactions of LDS family members can be:
There is a large rift in our family now because of my excommunication, as my oldest son has gone to live with his grandparents to avoid living with the heathens such as I. He is twenty-four now, has served an LDS mission and has basically divorced himself from his father and me, refusing to call us, write us, acknowledge us at Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s/Father’s Days.
Steps in Becoming a Christian
A Growing Desire for Something More
The process of coming to Christ usually begins with a growing desire for something more than religious activity. Sometimes I talk to Mormons who say that they have not read any ‘anti-Mormon’ literature, but they just keep thinking: “There has got to be more to God than I’m finding in this service. Could God possibly be this boring?”
Here is a letter from a lady in New Mexico8 which describes this spiritual hunger:
Dear Christian Friends, I cannot say that I am a new Christian but only new found, for I have always known that Jesus Christ was my Savior. But for many years now I have kept Him trapped in the web of Mormonism.
I first joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 1972, then left it in 1974. I returned to it in 1977 and was rebaptized in 1979. In 1981 I went to the Salt Lake Temple and received my endowment. But over the course of the last few years, I have come to feel a great spiritual emptiness . . .
I began to have many questions. Where was Christ in this Church? Why were testimonies often borne of everyone and everything but Him? Where was the Christlike love and the fellowship that should be evident among the Saints? And the joy they should feel having the “fullness of the restored Gospel?” Why were meetings so boring? Why did I never feel any promptings to do the temple work that was so vital for my ancestors? Why could I never find the courage to share this “fullness of the Gospel” with others when I had no fear at all when proclaiming myself Christian? Why had it even become difficult to tell the story of Joseph Smith, which now seems so unbelievable? Why did I have no great love at all? Why could I not bring myself to pay my tithing? accept callings? go to the Temple? I was even beginning to find it difficult to pray. I could not seem to be comfortable in my temple garments any longer.
At first I thought I was the problem, until I began to think about what bothered me and why, and what I really believed to be spiritual truth. I soon realized that the only things that troubled me were those things unique to Mormonism. After reading several books by former Mormons, and studying the historical church writings that were referred to in these books (like the Journal of Discourses and History of the Church, etc.), I came to realize I could no longer remain in the Mormon church. I have stopped wearing the temple garments, and have no intention of attending any further meetings of the Mormon Church. I am presently seeking a church that teaches the Gospel of Jesus Christ and none other.
An Encounter with Authentic Christianity
I find very few Mormons leave Mormonism and become sound Christians unless they have a Christian friend. There are exceptions but, generally speaking, they need to see Christianity modeled either in a person or in a church. Somehow they have to understand that God can be experienced and worshiped outside Mormonism. Otherwise they end up thinking there is nothing out there. So I really think it is important for Chrisitians to befriend Mormons.
Here is one woman’s story:9
I am a convert to the LDS church, joining when I was nineteen years old and had been married three years . . . I have been a member of the church now for fifteen years and I am presently a visiting teacher and Primary Secretary.
Over those fifteen years I have had to admit a lot of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment. There were, of course, weeks at a time when I felt close to the Lord and got a lot out of church. But for the most part, I had to admit to growing restlessness and a feeling of frustration . . .
One year ago a couple moved next door to us . . . and after a few weeks we got to know them better. She was very religious and as we talked I expressed to her my prayer failure and general frustration at not being able to have the real power of the New Testament church in my life. And yet I knew that I had the true church. This led to more frustration and confusion.
I went a few times with her to her church, the First Baptist church . . . I loved their worship and saw how much they really did love the Lord.
Sitting in our own meetings, especially Sacrament Meetings, hearing talks on food storage, travel logs, etc., but hardly ever hearing the word of God preached made me feel even worse.
. . . Again I saw the glow in her face and wished I could have what she had. Why did she have such happiness, and extraordinary answers to her prayers, etc.? Here I had the true Gospel of Jesus Christ and she didn’t, and she was getting all the blessings. I felt cold and dead inside.
I started going with her to her services again once in a while. It was then that I really got desperate. I wanted to be happy so badly. I prayed to God that he would reveal the truth to me, reveal his will, in a manner that I could not mistake. I didn’t care how much it cost me or where the chips fell. I just wanted to be on His side no matter what. I am sure that that’s the first time I had ever prayed like this.
It is not surprising that she eventually became a Christian.
Here is a similar story:10
It was a slow, long process before I finally left the Mormon church. God kept putting Christians in my path and I had an open mind about what they had to say . . . and always felt very moved by such songs as “Oh Divine Redeemer”, “I Stand All Amazed”, “I Know That My Redeemer Lives”, etc. I wanted to hear more about Christ when I went to church but always came away hungry.
About three years ago I met a born-again Christian . . . who never pushed me but answered my questions. He introduced me to the New International Version of the Bible and explained how trustworthy it was.
One night after I had just started attending some of the Protestant churches, my friend and I had a long conversation on the phone. I was always trying to be worthy of Christ. He told me I’ll never be worthy, to just accept the free gift of the grace that Christ offers to us. He challenged me to confess to God that I am a sinner and totally unworthy of Him but to forgive myself and take control of my life. This last step was hard. I was afraid of what God would do if I turned the controls over to him. I took the challenge and it has changed my life. I immediately felt that unexplainable peace and comfort that only Christ can give. I knew my sins had been forgiven . . . I have been reading many Christian books and the Bible seems totally new to me although I had read it many times before.
This happened to me also when I began attending a little church’s prayer meeting. In God’s providence, he had me there and as these people prayed and poured their hearts out, I realized I did not know God in the way that they were praying. I did not love God that way. I did not worship Him that way. I did not confess my sins that way. And certainly not verbally, where everyone could hear it. But I wanted to.
A Growing Desire to See Christ as Lord
The final step in coming to Christ is to recognize Jesus as Lord of all of one’s life.
Here is a letter which demonstrates this:11
Dear Sandra:
. . . There really remains little doubt in my mind that the church is not true, but of course, it’s not easy to separate truth from fiction and fables after twelve years of brainwashing, so I still have qualms once in a while. But they are becoming more rare as I learn to trust in the Lord. Since I was born-again last January life has become exciting and full of wonderment for me as I have turned my will over to the Lord and allowed Him to work His works in my life. Most people I know have remarked at the change that has come over me since I have come to know Christ as my personal Savior. But even if no one else had noticed, I know for a fact that my inner being has changed dramatically and it’s wonderful.
Conclusion
The emotional struggle of leaving Mormonism and coming to Christ is tremendous. The confusion, doubt, hurt, and anger are just as painful for Mormons as they are for us. Let us treat them with dignity and respect as we seek to tell them of a loving Savior who died for them.
Lord, break our hearts with the things that break the heart of God.
Related reading:
Footnotes:
- Excerpt from a letter written March 23, 1985, from England. ↩︎
- Excerpt from a letter written June 29, 1985, from California. ↩︎
- Excerpt from a letter written June 30, 1990, from Arizona. ↩︎
- Excerpt from a letter written October 29, 1975, from Nevada. ↩︎
- Excerpt from a letter written January 11, 1990, from Australia. ↩︎
- Excerpt from a letter written February 6, 1989, from Colorado. ↩︎
- Cf. note #3 above. ↩︎
- Excerpt from a letter written April 4, 1989, from New Mexico. ↩︎
- Excerpt from a letter written October 29, 1975, from Nevada. ↩︎
- Excerpt from a letter written June 6, 1991, from New York. ↩︎
- Excerpt from a letter written August 10, 1989, from Virginia. ↩︎